Heart on Fire

I swear this year can't get any better, I'm having the time of my life. I've met some amazing people at school, the are so funny and crazy and i love them all. I made a new friend and i love him to pieces :). So far I'm doing pretty good, not quite sure if this is really what i want to do for the rest of my life so I'm going to give it a month and see how it goes and if not I'm going to look at different schools and see whats out there is this big wonderful world....Love you all xoxoxox

I swear sometimes i should really check the mail box earlier. I got my letter from school today and ripped it open and...I GOT ACCEPTED, so its official starting January 23 I'll be attending the Academy of Broadcasting. I'm so excited heheheh :)

I'm pretty excited i got a call back from the Academy of Broadcasting the other day. So yesterday i went for the tests and did really well so my application form was sent off. One of the teachers actually said i have great potential so I'm hopeful that I'll get accepted, keeping my fingers crossed :). Finally i feel like my life is starting to turn around, sadly still looking for a damn job though, oh well...

You read books and watch movies that speak of love like its so wonderful and with it you can over come anything like space and time. That there is someone out there for everyone, that when two hearts are destined to be together they will find their way back to each other. Can you imagine a love like that? one that is so powerful and true that it makes every dream and sorrow worth it, that no matter what you can concur all. Can you imagine that there is a person out there that you are meant to be with? That even when you die and your soul is reborn in the next life you will find each other once more even though you may not know it right from the start. Wouldn't that be wonderful if love was like that in real life ( i know i sure do). Jane Austen fell in love with a man with whom she could not be with because of his family's status, not enough money to support her in life. Jane never got married, she loved one man all her life. I can bet she never for one second forgot about him and you can see that through her books. For those who have watched Little House On The Prairies and loved Marry and Adam sorry to disappoint you but the real Marry never did get married, there was no Adam Kendell. But the one big love story in that show was Laura and Almonzo, their love store is one to remember. Hardships, age difference, lose of children, failed crops and illnesses, yet through all of it their love prevailed until their last days together.  Even though Hollywood or authors may make love grander then it truly is don't give up faith on your happily every after. You may have to weed out plenty of guys to find the right one, go through heartache and hard times but there is a happy ending for everyone out there whether or not its with someone......live life to the fullest, have no regrets, and love as much as you can even when it seems hopeless. It's never wrong to love someone even if it doesn't work out because at least you gave it your all...

So my life has completely turned a 180 in the last couple of weeks its nuts...its hard to swallow all the changes that have happened. I finally gave my two weeks notice for my crappy ass job, now on the hunt for a new one with not much luck sadly ( thank god I've got money in my savings). I finally decided to register for school pretty excited yet uber nervous, hopping for the best and hopefully i don't totally suck at broadcasting. Just found out that my grandpa might have cancer so I'm freaking out a little bit, hope after all the tests are done that it comes back negative ugh :(... I guess all the crap and bullshit that's gone down this month toughened me up enough to stop being so afraid and to let go of all the stress and bullshit from people in my life. I'm just so glad i don't have a gaping hole in my chest nore have i cried once since all went to hell..guess I'm just so immune to it now it cant really affect me like it used to, and probably cuz i know it was gonna happen sooner or later, maybe not hear the shit that it did but i know it was bound to happen. Maybe its cuz for the first time i wasn't the one that went back that i knew it was all fake and that none of it was real. i mean come on it didn't take a genius to figure out that i was being used and that i didn't really matter ( never have mattered) to them so w.e in all reality its not my lose. I mean duh it hurt to hear that shit cuz i had felt everything i had said but not enough to destroy me like he was hopping for ( I'm so sorry, NOT). i mean ya clearly there is so much id like to have said but what would have been the point, i got the closure I've been needing for almost three years. Love is a very complicated thing, like someone once said " it sucks when the person you love doesn't love you back" and a very amazing artist once said " sometimes it last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead". life moves on, no more looking to the past, now its time to look at the future :). At least i can say thanks to the asshole i made a great friend so i guess that means i cant totally regret  meeting him, as she has said " everything happens for a reason ".  Time to follow a new path...

Getting lost in my music is my one true joy in life. I love the pounding of the beat in my ear drums. I could close my eyes and lose my self in the splendor of it. It's like the music surrounds me in a bubble of pure peace and calm. It feels me up with hope, that there isn't a reason to doubt, it gives me energy when I feel dead, brings me back to life when I feel like I want to give up on everything. It gives me this sense of power, like I could concur this world, that I'm capable of doing anything. Music fits my every mood from sad, to happy and excited to lazy and Hindi. Music has such power on this world that's why it's one of the oldest ways to communicate and celebrate. The world would be dole and lifeless without the power of inspiration music gives to the world. It speaks volume to so many people, singers sing from their heart and soul. Giving hope to people everywhere, every human being has at least one song they can connect to. Music gives people a voice to stand up for what they believe in, the courage to make a difference at time through song. Lady gaga's new single is about accepting ones self and forget what other people think, to not judge others and believe in your self no matter what is going on.

I've been living the past month with a wall surrounding my heart because I didn't want to feel pain or sadness. I've been wanting to feel alive and not dead inside. I've been doing a pretty good job at it not going to lie, i've been having the time of my life with my friends and the night staff at work. I've laughed more then I ever have, but deep down i knew that sooner or later the wall would break away because i've felt it give away for the last couple of days..I hate it the stupid dreams came back and its really starting to piss me off, im not even thinking about that shit but BAM it hits me like a truck all over again, my heart feels heavy. I've been flirting with guys and there was even a guy who wants to go out with me but i dont trust anyone. My heart feels so closed off from the world. And this guy seems like such a sweetheart too and ugh what the hell is wrong with me fuck I hate my self right now its not even funny. Its so easy to flirt with someone when you feel nothing for them, it feels like they are missing something...idk anymore....fuck