Have you ever sat down and just thought to your self you felt out of place like you lived in the wrong time period, the wrong century? I have, i wish you could turn back time and live in a different time just to see how it was back then and see if it was better then how the world is now. Id love to go to a time where men looked like men, they wore top hats, open doors for you and wrote you letters. When men had to court you and show you respect, when they had to ask your father for your hand in marriage. It be a nice change from the guy that show no respect for girls anymore. Some guys you can't even tell if they are a guy or not, the one good thing about the new days is that gays are accepted more now and back in the day they weren't, they where shunned or even killed, many had to hid it and marry a women and pretend to be happy and thats no way to live a life. It would be nice to be back in a time when family meant something, when mom's stayed home and fathers came home after work and spent time with the family after a long day. When families would take vacations together or simply go out together...those days are long dead, i dont remember the last time all the family has been together, heck i don't talk to half of my family because they are just to busy and don't give a shit about us...It would be nice to see a time when pictures where in black and white and poor people where happy even if they didnt have what everyone else did. When it wasn't all about money and material things, where computers didn't exists and you had to write a letter to get a message to someone. A time when you got all dressed up to go to a ball and flirt and have fun, not go to clubs and look like sluts and hook up with just about anyone. A time when people got together and had fun, a time when you wanted to listen to music you either had to play and instrument or use a Berliner Gramophone to play music. I can picture in my head how it must have been to dress up in a dress everyday and feel free and fancy...It seems like such a magical time one that should come back but sadly technology has ruined this world, people are greedy now and just don't care anymore....
I feel so out of place, like there is no room for me in this world. I feel lost and confused as to what I'm here for. People say to me I'm important to them, that I matter. Then why is it I never feel like I do matter. You open up to people and tell then how you feel hoping they will feel the same way about you. You tell someone you love them and that they mean the world to you, yet when they say it back you feel empty inside. I don't think you should feel empty when it's said to you, a person should feel a warm heat pass through their body, an overwhelming sensation of love and happiness. Then someone please explain to me why I feel so dead inside when I'm told he loves me and that I matter to him? Why do I feel the need to run away from him and never look back. Block him from my life for good. My mind is screaming at me to see something that isn't there. Maybe he was right, maybe my mind is clouded by my feelings for him. Maybe I'm too lost in a fantasy that will never happen. Maybe I'm so lost in the picture he painted in my head that I can't see who he really is. My world crashes down on me every time he says he has nobody, that everyone he cared about is gone. My voice wants to scream out to him what about me, don't you see me, can't you see I'm still here and I still care. I've always been here why can't you see that. Your boo isn't the only one that you had in your life, I'm here, I mean I know I can't be there beside you and make you happy. I just wish you could acknowledge the fact I do exists, that I haven't left your life even if everyone else you know has. I wanna be happy in life and not feel dead anymore. I wish he could have what he wants in life and decide what he wants from me...I'm here yes but I know he needs someone over there and I'm not and probably never will be so let me go then, be with the one you want right now.
We all have hopes, dreams and fantasies. We all hope that one day our lives will change, get better that our dreams will come true. When we where little our parents would read to use about lands far away about magical worlds of creatures we could only dream of. They would tell little girls that one day when we would grow up we'd meet our prince charming, that he would sweep us of our feet and live happily ever after. That monsters didn't really live under our beds they only lived in our imagination. Our best friends when we were little where imaginary, made up to not make us feel so lonely in ours solitude. The thing they failed to mention to us is that when we grow up life isn't all fairy tales. It's tough and sad at times and that not everything has a happy ending to it. People die and leave your side. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, your heart will get broken many times. You will cry over people who are gone and left you alone. You will have to fight to keep going when you feel like you have nothing left to live for. Life is ruff and that's a fact but even if your life is hard now things might look up in the future. It might take a while to see any good but it's out there waiting for you to find it, and when you do whether it be a new job, new adventure or someone has walked into you life and changed how you feel you will be happy. Just hold on for a bit and just maybe you will have your own kind a fairy tale even if it was an imperfect one :)
Can you close your eyes and picture exactly how the best day of your life was like and remember ever detail that if you painted a picture of it, it be so vibrant and tangible you'd feel like you could step right through it and go back to that day. I remember mine so very well that my friends all say i could right a book thats how well i remember it..It was February of last year, my mom bought me a plane ticket to Toronto to go see the King Tut exhibition they where having. My uncle decide to put me up in a hotel downtown so i'd be close to everything and that way he wouldn't have to put up with me at his place lol. It was my last day in Toronto and it was snowing woohoo on my last day of all days right :(, anyways my uncle asked me if i wanted to go for lunch before he had to go to work so i met up with him at Starbucks across the street from my hotel. We decide to go eat lunch at the restaurant in the Eton Center. While we ate lunch he kept asking me what time i was going to see my friend Steve, so i kept texting him to ask when he was going to meet up with me so my uncle would leave me the hell alone lol but i think i was getting on Steve's nerves lol my bad..So after we finished eating my uncle left for work and I decided to walk around the mall for a bit but got bored and i was sleepy so walked back to my hotel after it took me a while to find my way back frick i couldnt see anything in front of me thanks to the stupid snow...When i got back to my hotel i tried to pass out for a bit but i was so restless and i dont know why..I was just chilling in bed when my phone buzzed and i jumped at it. He texed to tell me he was on his way and my heart just started racing and i was thinking to my self ugh why am i getting excited im supposed to be mad at him. So i jumped out of bed put on my fav pair of jeans the ones i thought my ass looked hot in lol , did my hair and my make up yet again and tried to make my self look so pretty ugh :P He text to let me know he wasnt far away so i told him to meet me in the lobby, so i took the elevator and waited for him to show up...The moment i saw him crossing the street my heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat, i was like to my self i am so FUCKED...He crosses the street and pulls out his phone to text me to let me know hes here but lol i was already outside by the time he sent it :P surprise :P He just gave a look that said well that was fast. God he looked so good even in person ugh lol. So we decided to go to the movies, which i had to remember what way to go cuz he had no idea lol. Ofcourse it had to be super slushy and slippery that night right, so ofcourse i fell on my ass right in front of him, man did i wanna die right then and there:(, im just so glad he did not laugh at me. The whole way to the theater i had to keep grabbing on to him so i wouldnt fall,which i was totally ok with lol it was a good excuse to be close to him :P. When we finally made it in one peice to the movies, he was so sweet and opened the door for me which i'm so not used too. We decided to see the Wolfman cuz that was pretty much the only movie I hadn't seen yet. So he bought hes ticket and im just standing in line like an idiot while he starts walking towards the escalators lol, he turned around and says to me "what are you doing arent you coming?" and i'm like "umm I have to buy my ticket..." he's like "I have your ticket right here". im like dang surprised my face didnt turn red :P. So when i make it to the escalator with him i'm holding on to the railing for dear life cuz i hate heights, ofcourse he was getting a good laugh out of it. We where both hungry so we got New York fries to eat, even though i was kinda nervous so i didnt really want to eat even though my tummy was telling me too. So we went to sit on a bench like couch to eat and him being him forgot stupid napkins and he was making a mess with his poutin :P so i got off my ass to get him some:P. It was so funny cuz we where just talking when i turned to him and said " your computer self sucks just so you know, you in person is way better" :P im too honest with him i swear.....Finally we could go to our seats and man was it dead in there. We sat in the top row and talked through out the whole fricken movie, while in my head i was like god i wanna kiss him so badly right now ugh but no i can't we are just friends frick ugh lol :p. This one part of the movie made me jump ugh i felt so silly, he just sat there giggling at me lol fricken jerk:P. When the movie was done i had to pee so bad so i gave him my drink to hold onto while i went to the washroom. After i was done we left and i told him i was going to break my mothers rule and invite him into my hotel room lol, we had no where else to go cuz everything was closed and our feet where soaked. My crappy ass cheap boots and his shoes with holes in them :p. So when we got to the hotel i called my mom to let her know i was safe and that things went well and that he left tehehe but that so wasnt true cuz he was right beside me :P, im horrible i know. I told him to keep quite while i was on the phone and i tried so hard not to laugh :P. After the call we just sat there all awkward and quite then i said to him " you didnt give me my hug like you said you would lol" and he's" neither did you" so he gave me side hug cuz he was sitting down lol, in my head i was like YAY :P. We chatted and had a pillow fight teheheh and then i hid under the covers cuz im cool like that lol. After all the silliness and his shyness which was so cute :), we layed down and he started to play with my ring and i was like " what are you doing? you having fun playing with my ring" he smiles at me and say's " well i need and excuse to hold your hand" insta red i tell you...I looked at him and i was like " i wanna kiss you" and he's like "go for it" so i did i kissed him, god did it felt so good to. I just laid there with him for a bit but was starting to dose off so i told him i had to get up early cuz my plane comes at 6 am and it was already 2am so ya. He got dressed and i hugged the crap out of him, i just didnt wanna let go of him. Not even 10 minutes after he left the fire alarm went off in the hotel so i had to run and through some clothing on cuz all i was wearing was a t-shirt lol. I had to run down 23 flights of stairs that was so not fun. When i got outside i called him 6 times before he picked up and asked him if he was far from the hotel and he said no and i told him what happened, he asked me if i wanted him to come back and i said only if he wanted to and he said i didnt want to leave in the first place (aww right :). So i waited in the lobby for him to get there. I was so happy yo see him lol even though i was pretty shaken up about the whole thing. When we got back to the room we just crashed on the bed, and discovered that the white sheets wherent so white anymore lol..His stupid rodgers shit was staining the bedding hahah, so i had to put down my purple blanked on top so he could laid down on it:P. Then we both programed our phones to go off at the same time so i could get ready to leave in a few hours. After awhile i was freezing so i let him go and went under the covers, he didnt like that lol so i told him well he could just get rid of the problem then he could join me lol but ofcourse i didnt wanna tell him to take off his shirt so he kept kissing me until i would so i told him and he was like was that so hard and then took it off lol me being me didnt even look at him lol. Then he crawled in beside me and yanked me onto of him. God i was so comfy, he was so soft and it was nice to listen to his heart beating while i tried to sleep. He kept putting his chine down so i would lift my head and he's kiss me teheheh. When the alarms went off i didnt wanna get out of bed but sadly i had too :(, i didnt have time to shower i felt so gross and tired so i through my hair into a ponytail and called it a day. The part that was going to be interesting was going down in the morning with Steve beside me to meet my uncle in front of the hotel. Let me tell you it was so awkward, they shook
hands and then i hugged him for like the tenth billionth time and then my uncle took off to the car with my bags so i turned to Steve and planted one on him :P.....there is so much more to this story but its so hard to but it all down in words....That was the best day of my life, i wish i could have that night every night, that night i fell more in love with him then i already was. I never though i could have met someone who could mean so much to me that id do anything for them. He frustrates me to no end, pisses me off, makes me wanna beat his head in half the time, but i wouldnt trade him in for any other guy. I love him no matter what happens in the future whether we are together or not, hes like first true love and even if i meet someone else they will never be him. A part of me will always love him no matter what life brings us....I LOVE YOU.......................
SO last night my girls came over to get ready to go out for my birthday, it was some real fun :p my hair was being so stupid megz couldnt get it to work for her so i ended up giving up and just straighting the stupid crap. It took us forever to get ready to leave plus i wasnt helping cuz i was on the comp lol. Our original plan was to be at the pub by 8 or so but nope lol we got there at 9:30, we are slow as hell to get ready:P. I swear when we got there and the way we where acting you would have thought we pr gamed or something, thats just how fucked up all three of us are :P. The moment the waitress came around it was all shots one right after another, probably not such a good idea but fuck did i feel good :P. I think i drank a littl bit more just cuz i was feeling like crap cuz i started shit yet again with he who shall not be name ugh. But anyways this other waitress came around to give us free beer and im not a beer fan but heck why not its free and i knew if i didnt drink it one of my besties would. She got so hammered it was so funny at one point during the night she was so gone that she took her drink and her straw and shoved the straw up her nose and snorted it up her nose hahahahah god her face was priceless :P. After awhile though me and her left to go get fresh air cuz she started to have a bit of a melt down so i took her out side too cool her off a bit. I just sat there and listened to her and tried to tell her that no matter what has ever gone down between us in the past 11 years i put behind me the past is the past and i know its hard for her to trust and show how she feel and i understand that and i wouldnt abandon her for anything, it just hit home listening to her though cuz its like i was listening to he who shall not be named, and what he must feel and think and i felt like shit. i drank more after that, and when we got home i sent him like a billion messages on msn and one on fb, i think hes still mad at me and i hate it, i fuck things up so much, its not all his fault all this crap happened maybe if i was a little more understanding then it wouldnt have been so messed up. My friends passed out but i just couldnt sleep my mind was spinning and hurt like a bitch and i was just thinking too much, i was so pathetic that last night i turned on my ipad and passed out to him picture on it, i just couldnt delete them off of it. I woke up at six and just started crying and feeling like shit...ugh but ya then my girls woke up and we talked and had some more good laughs and then they left and i passed out cuz it felt like i had a hammer in my head :P but ya that was my wonderful night :P it was fun, it was good to let loose and have lots of fun and feel nothing :)
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