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Sunday 26 August 2012
I try not to dwell to much on the past but sometimes it just sneaks up on you all over again. I could simply be reading a passage in a book or be watching a scene of a movie and the memories will rush back to me. Whit it it always  brings on waves of soul shattering pain all over again. Most times I can handle it but sometimes I'm just to weak to fight it and let it cripple me. I'll curl into the fettle position and breath heavy and weep till the pain washes through me. I was 3 years old when my father left us, so I don't have that many memories of him but the ones I do have aren't pleasant. Anytime my brother ans I would go visit him he'd either be to hung over to pay attention to us or to  lazy to really care. I don't know how many times growing up did I feel miserable when I had to see him so at one point when he stopped putting in any effort to see us I just stopped trying to see him. After awhile I just grew this numbing pain inside my heart from it. Every time I'd see a movie about a father and daughter together at her wedding or anything like that , the pain would sweep through me. Don't get me wrong I have a step dad and we used to be close but things changed as I got older. Even having a step dad still can't fill the emptiness in my hear that my real father has left there. I will never have my father at my wedding giving me away or any important moments in my life. Two years ago he came to talk to me and said he was sorry for his selfish ways and that he wanted a relationship with me. I did not trust a word he said because I've heard it all before way too many times...I sat there crying being unable to say all the things I've been wanting to for years. A father is supposed to be the the one man in your life that you should always be able to count on and he let me down. He did it again , he turned his back on me after he swore he had changed. I think no matter what I will never truly  get over this pain in me because I feel that maybe in a small way I had something to do with the reason why he never cared about me. I know it's stupid to think that but it's hard not to...I think that's why I tried sooo hard to keep my uncle in my life because he was someone I looked up to. His opinion of me mattered alot and growing up I always looked forward to his visits. Now  I just feel left behind by him to and it hurts so effing much. I wanted  him to be in my life but he won't even try, he doesn't even care and it feels like someone took a knife and stabbed me with it..
Monday 20 August 2012
Am I afraid to love again? Am I afraid to get attached to someone again? Am I afraid of letting my heart feel again? YES I am..I do have feeling for someone but I keep burying them inside of my self, and lying to my self when I say I feel nothing. I know it's bad to do this to my self but I'm scared to get attached to him because he's not here plus I'm super scared that if I let someone into my heart again so soon it will be ripped apart after months of me picking up the pieces and putting them back together. I don't want to rely on some guy to make me smile and feel joy again, I'm not ready to try and make someone my everything again. Plus I don't really want to ruin the good thing I have going with him right now. So If I'm a coward and a stupid girl so be it. But until i know someone is worth for me to give them my heart I won't...
Sometimes when I sit outside and look up at the beautiful blue sky up above me I often wonder what this world look like back in the day. How people used to live their daily life, what they had to go though just to live each day. I'm such a curious person I think that's one of the biggest reasons why I love history so much. It just fascinates me to no end, I love to learn what people used to have compared to what we have now. In a way it makes me more appreciative of what I have in my life. For me being able to one day Egypt or anywhere in Europe would be a dream come true. To be able to touch a piece of history and really take it all in would be AMAZING might have a mini heart attack :p. If I ever got to see the pyramids and reach out and touch it I'd probably shut my eyes and try to envision what it looked like in all its glory. Living in Winnipeg you don't have all that must historic places and the few we do i love, gives me a sense of home almost. If I could travel back in time thought out history and see and experience everything no matter how bad or scary it would be, it'd be life changing. I'd love too see my past lives and maybe see why I'm so attached to certain time periods and certain countries. I believe if every body would take the time just reflex a little on the past maybe life would be better and people wouldn't be so self involved anymore. The past is a tool for us to learn from and grow from our mistakes but I don't feel like we are using the greatest tool at your disposal.
Thursday 9 August 2012
I was never one to believe in God or heaven, but lately I've been really thinking about it. Who knows maybe it has to do with the books I read...Is good and evil so clear cut? or is it more grey, a thin line that sometimes people cross because they think they are doing good? I sometimes wonder if heaven exists does that mean hell does to? if so how is a decision made about who ends up were? Is there some sort of cosmic balance like the Egyptians believed in or something far greater? All questions that no one can truly answer until the day they die. I know so many people that believe in something greater then this life we live everyday until the day we perish. The thing is if God gave us free will does that mean he or she also gave the angels free will or are they more bound? MY mother and I got into a debate about such thoughts. She believes that when one dies their soul gets lifted to "paradise", but if you had a bad soul like say "Hitler" you are brought right back for a do over. She also believes that once up there you no longer feel deep all consuming love, nor fear or sorrow. I mean ya who doesn't want to be happy 24/7.  I don't know it's just so hard to imagine somewhere so perfect. I many not enjoy all of of my life and some of the events that have taken place but at the same time I cherish them. If you never experienced every emotion there is out there then you aren't really living. I can't say I 100% love her theory but there are really good points, it's just I don't know . I guess I have my own views on what I hope heaven 's like. Not quite sure what they are but I know it's somewhere inside me. Honestly lately I've felt closer to God and nature then ever before. The last questions that keeps spinning around in my mind is if heaven and hell are real that would mean God and Lucifer are real too. And if so that would mean God made him, for he was one of his angels right?, so there for in a way God would have helped in creating hell...That is of course the angels have free will like us. And if Lucifer is real, is his evil as clear cut as we think it is? Or is there a bigger reason for his existence? Who knows maybe God and him work together to keep a balance in the universe..!