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Sunday, 26 August 2012
I try not to dwell to much on the past but sometimes it just sneaks up on you all over again. I could simply be reading a passage in a book or be watching a scene of a movie and the memories will rush back to me. Whit it it always  brings on waves of soul shattering pain all over again. Most times I can handle it but sometimes I'm just to weak to fight it and let it cripple me. I'll curl into the fettle position and breath heavy and weep till the pain washes through me. I was 3 years old when my father left us, so I don't have that many memories of him but the ones I do have aren't pleasant. Anytime my brother ans I would go visit him he'd either be to hung over to pay attention to us or to  lazy to really care. I don't know how many times growing up did I feel miserable when I had to see him so at one point when he stopped putting in any effort to see us I just stopped trying to see him. After awhile I just grew this numbing pain inside my heart from it. Every time I'd see a movie about a father and daughter together at her wedding or anything like that , the pain would sweep through me. Don't get me wrong I have a step dad and we used to be close but things changed as I got older. Even having a step dad still can't fill the emptiness in my hear that my real father has left there. I will never have my father at my wedding giving me away or any important moments in my life. Two years ago he came to talk to me and said he was sorry for his selfish ways and that he wanted a relationship with me. I did not trust a word he said because I've heard it all before way too many times...I sat there crying being unable to say all the things I've been wanting to for years. A father is supposed to be the the one man in your life that you should always be able to count on and he let me down. He did it again , he turned his back on me after he swore he had changed. I think no matter what I will never truly  get over this pain in me because I feel that maybe in a small way I had something to do with the reason why he never cared about me. I know it's stupid to think that but it's hard not to...I think that's why I tried sooo hard to keep my uncle in my life because he was someone I looked up to. His opinion of me mattered alot and growing up I always looked forward to his visits. Now  I just feel left behind by him to and it hurts so effing much. I wanted  him to be in my life but he won't even try, he doesn't even care and it feels like someone took a knife and stabbed me with it..