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Thursday 26 May 2011
Ugh seriously sorry i haven't blogged in a week, my head has been all over the place lately sorry :(. I've had so much I've been wanting to blog but just didn't know how to put it down in words and I've had other reasons for not coming on here....So I've been super busy with work, my shifts are so messed up right now and the other day I had to work a 11 hour shift because some people i work with are to fucken lazy to learn how to do their goddamn job so i had to be woken up which by the way totally sucked because it was the first time in what three Weeks that I've been able to sleep...I've been working my ass off in a zombie state of mind thanks to ZERO amount of sleep thanks to stupid dreams i'd rather not have about fucken people that should clearly be out of my goddamn mind by now but nope my subconsciousness apparently hates me at night thanks alot brain..I swear though if its not stupid retarded dreams that are keeping me up its stupid guys calling me at six in the damn morning like really why..What ever i'm just hoping as the weeks go by my brain will forget the past forever and i'll be able to sleep again and not have any sorta pain in my chest even though it hasnt really surfaced which is awesome i must say im being much stronger then I thought i would be :) go me hehehehe. I just wish i could figure out how to stop following a blog ugh ive been trying for weeks to figure it out, i bet that person thinks im a creeper or some shit hahha the funny thing is i dont wanna see the crap anymore because its gonna bring me nothing in the end right :P. So as an awesome distraction i've gotten into my anime again lol im hooked again which is ok with me because i kinda missed it so ya, ive been doing a lot of reading and crap and now so disappointed with it because they brought my fav character back from the dead which is awesome but not at the same time because now hes being controlled and is make of clay :( so cant wait to see how the story is going to unfold. What else have i been up to well then let me think....hmmmmmmmmmmm OH monday me and my bestie went to the mall to go and get Lady GaGa's new cd which rocks by the way so bought the extended edition heheheh. Then we left HMV satisfied we went to movies to watch the new Pirates movie which was ok still not as good as the first two though. Oh and now I have a new phone and number which im so effing happy about YAY i finally got my blackbarry and its a nice dark purple to ugh i love my phone its my baby lol :P now i wont have stupid people calling me at six anymore :).But so far i think thats really all i have to say at the moment im kinda tired and ya anyways people or the one person i think reads this sorry and hope to have to write soon....love you all xoxoxoxoox
Saturday 14 May 2011
Thank god this rain has finally stopped and the sun is finally coming out. Enough with the emo weather i swear Winnipeg weather is bi-polar lol :P. I swear I'm in the best mood ever lately, work is finally going good. I'm having fun being a key holder and the night staff is awesome, having good times and laughing my ass off with these crazy ass kids :P. My bestie is effing amazing i swear i love her to death i don't know what i would do with out her in my life she is my rock :). For my two days off i walked my puppy and went over to her place and had a girls night. Brought a chick flick and popcorn and just chilled until she started to pass out hahaha. Then today we took a long ass walk and took my puppy to the vet to book a appointment and then went to the liquored mart cuz I've been dying for my drink lol. Met some pretty awesome people on my way home, all of which had dogs. I swear people who have dogs or any pet for that matter is way friendlier or maybe I'm just starting to open my eyes to the world and letting my self go free. This one guy let his dog come play with Shadow for a bit, he was so sweet and told me hes been biking for miles with his dog and ya he was pretty cool then he offered Shadow a drink which was good cuz my poor boy was thirsty. Then all three of us ( me, shadow and my bestie) walked home. Then vacated to sun room once home and chilled with my bestie and talked and drank some booze lol. I probably should have drank so fast lol got a buzz but it was a nice feeling. Opened my eyes to so much stuff. Life isn't so bad once you open up and see what you have, that's what i finally did and i believe that there is something amazing waiting out there for me and i will find it :) life is wonderful and its time to stop looking at in a negative way. I'm happy to have what i have, enough being sad over stuff i don't, i never gets anyone anywhere in life. I'm so fricking happy that I'm blasting music while i shower and sing my heart out and dance like crazy. I'm 21 its time to start living my life instead of living it through someone else....... Thank you to everyone who hasn't given up on me and stayed by my side no matter what i love you all :) xoxoxoxoxoxo
Monday 9 May 2011
Letting go of someone who meant the world to you is really tough. It feels like you're splitting your self in half and leaving the other half with them. Thats how i'm feeling right now, i feel only half here, i feel weird and empty. It almost feels like im standing in a crowed naked, exposed to the emptiness i feel now that your gone. I know that walking aways for good this time is the best thing for both me and him but why does it feel so wrong then. I mean now that i cut him from my life completely i feel a bit better, a weight has been lifter off of me but still its strange. We used to text and cam and talk almost every day and now all there is is silence. I'll never see him or talk to him again, because i refuse to chase after someone who doesnt want me to. I want to be cared about, showered with love and thought of, i want to mean the world to someone. That no matter what happens that person will be there for me and I for them. I've gotten tired of being there for them and have them use me, i dont need that especially from someone i cared about so much. I had to say this but i want him to suffer this kind of pain and i know he is right now, now you know what its like to worry about someone other then your self and miss them so much that it kills you inside everyday, to love them to no end to feel helpless that you can't be there for them. I know how it feels like but he never understood exactly how i felt nor did he care. I loved him with no end, a part of me always will love him even if hes an asshole. He was never good for me but there was just something about him that made me want to stay and help him in life but enough is enough. It's time to let things go an move on, let him destroy his life, i wont sit there and watch it unfold any longer. He has people now in his life again that will stay there for him and thats good but i just wont be one of them....If he wants me in his life he knows how to reach me but i wont hold my breath he was never one to chase after me so.....i'm letting go.......
Sunday 8 May 2011
Looking through a lens you can see a whole different world then the one around you. Its like you found a way to escape and go into a magical world of bright lights and colors, where life can be captured in a blink of an eye..Where dreams are possible and change can happen. People capture the most amazing pictures i have ever seen, someone of them are so breath taking that you have to catch your breath. Looking at a photo of a starving child makes you see what life is like and you can almost feel their pain and suffering. The length some of these photographers go just to show the world what its like in different countries, what other people are going through is amazing, they risk their life just to say "hey look at this please help to change it". Looking at a photo of loves makes you feel the power of the love they share. Seeing someone smiling and being happy makes you feel joy inside and think that tomorrow will be a better day you just have to believe it..A picture is really worth a thousand words, it has the power to change the way people see things. Just looking at a picture of someone you miss sometimes helps you know you aren't alone that no matter what there is someone out there that cares about you...One picture can change the world,I want to be one of those people one day who will bring a smile to someones face and change how people see things thought my photos i take. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to capture the beauty of this planet and share it with the world....
Life is always so complicated and uncontrollable but that's life right? There isn't much you can do to change it or make things different....If you where to walk in the shoes of someone else for a day you would feel their pain, go through their struggles in life no matter how big or small they may be...Everyone in this world has their own problems even if others think they aren't a big deal, but to the person who is going through it, it might feel like the end of the world. Every living being handles life differently, some drink to escape, some do drugs to numb them selves from reality, some cut them selves to feel the sting of that pain then the one they feel every moment and some just can't deal and end their lives..You could walk down the street and see a girl dressed in black with heavy make-up and judge her for what she looks like, but the thing is you don't know whats shes going through in life. You don't know if shes being beaten at home, raped, teased at school or has lost a loved one. You can judge people for what you see on the outside but you fail to see what that person you are looking at is going through in life..You may see a pretty skinny girl on the street and envy her for her looks but what you don't see is a girl who fights with an eating disorder and struggles to keep a grip on reality...Everyone in this life has a different way of seeing the world and the things around them so one day stop and think before you judge someone because you never know what that person is going through....Everyone is unique and different and they deserved to be loved no matter what....You should never lose faith in people because sometimes you might meet someone who will change your life forever and change the way you see your world and help you in more ways then one...They might actually save your life and you wont even realise it :)....xoxoxxoox So the next time before you judge someone get to know them and see what they are about :)
Friday 6 May 2011
Ahhhh i can finally breath again...I feel like a bird who had lost their wings and was weight down by pain...No more i feel no more pain i have washed away my demon, I have found my wings once again and it's about time i start to fly. Time for me to live my life for me and stop stopping my self for something that isn't even worth it.....Time to sore high into the unknown because who knows whats waiting for me in the big unknown. This life is full of crap and people do stupid shit but its time to turn my life around and believe in a better tomorrow :. Cuz i know there is something wonderful waiting out there from me i just got to find it :)....xoxoxoxo love you all :)
Thursday 5 May 2011
I am not a fool for falling in love with someone i know is no good for me. I am not foolish for loving him more then he'd ever love me. So please people fuck off and leave me alone im not in the mood to hear your words right now. I dont want to listen to you telling me im stupid and naive for trusting him after our history. I dont need this shit from you guys right now. I want to be left alone and be lost in my thoughts.I don't want to hear i told you so that this was going to happen to me. I dont want you to pity me for my choices in life. Im sorry world that when i care about someone i cant just cast off my feelings like most people can. I know i have a problem letting go of things and people. If someone had impacted my life its hard for me to forget it and move on. Im not a guy i cant just wish away my feeling and forget shit cuz believe me i wish i had that talent. I wish i could be a heartless bitch and block people from getting in because maybe i wouldnt be this way. Hopeless and a mess, i gave him to much control over me and that was my mistake, ii shouldnt have let him in again and keep hoping he would change....He lied to me when he had the chance to tell me the truth....Its too late now no matter what he says i will never trust him again, he's sorrys mean nothing to me anymore because ive heard them all before but he keeps doing the same shit over and over again.....Im not some toy of yours that you can play around with, im a human being, i have a heart, i have feelings if you hadn't noticed. I feel pain just like everyone else, im not heartless or cold, i feel , im not just someone you made up. I breath and walk and talk, im alive, i go on every day living just like you do. Im not a puppet that you can pull on my strings when ever you feel the need to. If i was important to you even as just a friend you should have been honest with me from the start instead of telling me the things you did..Fuck.....
I can't breath, my body is shaking and i just can't stop it. my heart races and feels like something is ripping at it with claws. My eyes burn red with tears swelling behind them. i'm a mess and i can't control my self. I feel like i wanna die just to escape this pain in my chest, i know thats horrible to say but i can't help it. I want someone to rip my heart out of me now...i'm having problems just trying to type cuz my tears are making my vision blurry. I can't even walk with out my legs giving out on me and wanting to crawl in a ball and never get up. I've felt this pain before but this time its so much worse. I can't even explain it properly..My head hurts from the water works that are happening in my eyes..Does love even exists or is it something we just dream up cuz i don't know anymore. I give up on it, its not worth feeling this way, feeling so empty inside that you wish you where dead for real instead of this empty vessel that everyone sees....I want this to go away, i dont want to feel this anymore...I wish you would have told me right from the start instead of hiding it and making me believe you where in love with me..........i want to sleep but im scared ill dream of stuff id rather not....but secretly i hope  when i fall asleep that i wont have to wake up. that i can be lost in my dream no matter what it is just so i dont have to wake to the pain i know will still be waiting for me the moment i open my eyes.....i wanna lock my self in the darkness of my room and be lost in thought until i get better and just leave everything and everyone behind for a bit.....I have no escape, no freedom from this curse i brought onto my self.....i guess this is what i had asked from when i fell for him....
TEARS ARE THE WORDS MY HEART USES TO EXPLAIN WHEN MY FAKE SMILE CAN'T COVER UP MY PAIN, I"M TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO CRY OVER YOU BECAUSE EVERY TEAR IS JUST A REMINDER OF HOW MUCH I CAN'T LET GO.
you feel so much pain. you can't help your self you feel like no one cares. you feel like you don't deserve anything. you cry at night thinking why this is happening to you, why you need to do this to yourself you may not cut your self but in your head you are. you hate the fact you think about the past of what have happened. this is what you feel. keep your head up. thats what i try to do

Wednesday 4 May 2011
This song totally goes with how i feel and shit. I love this song :)
i'm so tired of feeling this way, so empty inside, like i dont have a reason be here anymore. If things end bad then what? what am i supposed to do then? nothing will happen and i'll feel even worse then i do now. i hate this, i hate crying over the same shit all the time. I won't see anyone else because of my hope that lingers. Why i have some that lingers i dont know, maybe it because of all the things he says...but then again he changes what he says everyday. im making my self sick with worry and missing him. im getting so itchy to go, but for what? what will i get if i go there? more pain more unanswered questions? more responses like " you dont know what the future holds". im so lost and i really dont know what to think or do anymore....Is he really worth all of this? is he gonna stay like he says he is? does he really care about me and love me like he says? i dont really know and i hate it....
Monday 2 May 2011
Im horrible i haven't blogged in days sorry :( been kinda busy with crap and ya too much on my mind lately to even put it in words that make sense. Hmm lets see whats new well..I've tried to get a hold of my uncle so i can get some info about places in T.O cuz i wanna go on a trip and get out of shittypeg and relax for a bit and breath. I need a break from everyone here and my job i need to de stress. Ive been freaking out cuz its been a week and my uncle still hadn't answered me and i was getting pissed but finally today i got a message from him wooohoo :). Now im hoping he will get back to me soon so that i can book stuff and get the hell out of here in July for a few days. I need to go have a chat with someone about shit thats stressing me and hopefully have a kick ass time with him too :P and make him happy and entertained while im there :P. What else is new? well tomorrow i start physio for my shoulders which im looking forward too cuz i dont want this stupid pain anymore i need sleep and im not getting much because of it ugh..Hmm well he who shall not be named finally got a phone teheheh so now i get to talk to him which is so effing nice. I missed talking to him on the phone even though hes always picking on me asshole :P been staying up late talking to him lol zombie like in the morning but thats ok its worth it in the end i think :P. I really need to see him and ugh ya..My dad is home and driving me nuts that i wanna jump off a bridge i swear lol ( k i really wouldnt jump of a bridge but you know what i mean)....Super pissed about Harper winning like WTF is wrong with Canada like really people do you want to end up like the States like come one fuck ugh people are so stupid never learning from their own damn mistakes Jesus....On top of that im worried for he who shall not me named for the crap he has to do tomorrow ugh really i wish it would all go away for him and his life could get back to normal and he could be somewhat happy again like fuck sakes why can't the world just let him be geez. I hope it goes well tomorrow and everything is fine...guess ill have to wait for his text to see ugh i love him and hate seeing him this way it makes me wanna punch someone in the face fuck ugh but ya thats all for now....