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Thursday, 31 January 2013
I've been giving my past a lot of thought simply because a couple of my friends have hit ruff patches in their lives and are having dark thoughts. Trying to help then brings bad floods of memories of the darkest days of my life, most of my friends know the just of it but not every aspect of it. It's not something I like to really think about, but I guess it time to let it all out regardless oh whom may read it, I no longer care.

I have never been the happiest of people, even when I was younger. I mean my real father left, we moved away form the one place were I felt accepted to a place were I was bullied everyday. So my younger years were hell most of the time but meh it's life. As I got older it got a little more easier to deal with but i always felt like a reject, an outcast. But thought out all the hardships I dealt with growing up, family or school wise it never brought me to the edge of no return.

My dark days officially started 3 years ago when I met my ex. I mean ya things felt amazing and so right at the time but I was stupid and weak and naive at the time. We had so many more downs then ups whether we were friends or dating it was sickening. It was never the healthiest of relationships, but I guess I just really wanted to have someone in my life whom I thought truly cared for me ,that I was blind to everything.

Last thanksgiving all hell broke loose, what had been said to me I hadn't seen coming at all and normally I could tell when things would end but this time I was blindsided. I think in a way that had been his plan the whole time, change up his routine to get be to believe things were better when in fact all was fake.

When we parted ways it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I pretended to be so strong when in fact I was an empty shell of a person. I'd hang with my friends and smile but I'd be void of emotions. I went on dates, made out with guys and felt nothing at all. When ever my friends wanted to go out drinking I was all for it cuz I'd drink to feel better, to hide the pain and the numbness. It felt like I was drowning, almost like I lost my oxygen.

I felt like a was a drug addict who was trying to get clean. I couldn't sleep, I cried all the time, I couldn't breath. My heart hurt 24/7. I had lost my best friend, someone whom I had cared deeply for, someone whom I wanted to have a life with later on in life. I was a fool, I pushed my friends away, I quit my job, my life was spiraling out of control and I felt like I was drowning I despair. I felt like I'd never breath or see the light again.

But that all changed months again, I took a had look at my self and I said snap out of it women he isn't worth this. I fought tooth and nails to drag my self out of the pit of hopelessness I had created. I slipped back in a few time but I kept fighting my way out and I'm glad I did.

My life had truly changed, I've let go of my demons, my past it no longer controls me. I'm happy and only feel light. I still have lots to work though in life but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, I've almost reached it!

My tweeps have help me a lot in my healing process, they listened to my stories and it was nice to have people listen who didn't know what the situation was like at the start. I'm no the same girl I was before. I've come to realize the dying of the hair and the nose ring was a way to try and discover who I was. I'm happy to have my natural color back I've missed it. I finally feel like my self again.

I haven't e confidence and happiness, I also have faith in god and other things that have helped me ^_^, I'm happy to be alike and free from the chains that have bound me for so long.

So a word to my readers, it is possible to overcome your darkness and pain all you need is the will to fight against it. You can over come all odds if you believe you can!!

Love you all xoxo this is my story, think what you will be it's helped me to shape me into a better person so I don't regret a single things. It's made me grow and mature so I'm happy with the results !! <3