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Saturday, 23 April 2011
How can people tell you trust them when they never really give you are reason to...Im so sick of this same crap over and over again with you..when we started talking again we where just supposed to talk like friends but now we aren't. You are telling me things that kill me inside because i crave to have them. You keep telling me if you had your own place you'd still want me to be with you that it would make you happy, that you'd have everything right there and you wouldn't have need for anything else. but why is it that you tell me these things but I can't seem to believe them at all. You say them yet go around missing someone else so much that you say your lonely and hate it that you keep her pics close to you so you can feel happy and giddy inside just looking at her. Then why tell me all you have been and expect me to believe it when I see that, do you know realise how much that hurts, how it feels like you've taken i knife and gamed it inside of my heart and twist it until i feel so much pain that I feel dead...Like honestly what do you want from me? Its either you want me or you don't its that simple, you keep telling me is my choice, its my decision to pick what i want, but the stupid fucken thing is you already know what i fucken want...I WANT YOU, i wanna feel like im the only one you want, i want to for once in my god damn life to feel loved by you. I want to know that what you say to me is true that its not a lie. Because if all you're doing is painting a picture in my head for your own fun stop it, it hurts, you keep pulling on my heartstrings and its painful. I dont want to find out that the only reason why you keep me around is just because i have feelings for you and you like having someone be madly in love with you. I just feel like when you talk to me especially last night you get lost in our world and the moment i leave and the cam or msn shuts off its like you blink away everything and are just sitting there thinking " do i mean what i say or who is that"...its like once im out of the picture im completely forgotten, erased from your thoughts until we speak again......Seeing you makes me light up and you can see it, i try to keep my smiling on a down low to not show you but the moment you flash me your smile im fucked, the moment you look at me im fucked, my whole body felt on fire last night just because i got to see you, it felt so good to but now not so much, now it all felt like a dream like i was trapped in a fantasy that will never come true. I feel like the moment i start to get happy something has to come in and stop it " oh no Megan is getting happy again k lets ruin it"....i want to go see him but would it really be worth it in the end, I don't want to go there and have the time of my life and then come home and see him just talk about someone else because that might just kill me this time......................why must being in love with someone be so fucken hard.................................i don't know why it was always so hard to say you love certain people, if they dared you to write somewhere you loved them you'd do it but with me you wouldn't even change your facebook of the things that gets to me is that i've known him the longest and out of all the girls im the oldest too. Like i feel he can't be real with me cuz im his age or something i just dont get it, is it because im not 16 or 18 is it because im 21 you just can't be open and real with me ugh.............